You brought the flames and you put me through hell

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Kesha – Praying

 

I do hope you’re somewhere praying, and I do hope your soul is changing. 

I very much doubt you’ll find your peace. You’ll forever have to live with the memories of what you did to me, yet you won’t acknowledge how it’s affected me even to this day.

I am proud of who I am. Sam has made that happen (plus some self-love and realisation). I can now see that I’m not worthless because of my size, my looks, my depression, my ‘vanilla sex drive’ as you so often wrongly put it (just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean you need to literally force your ‘partner’ to take part in it, or emotionally blackmail them into doing it), “Maybe I’ll be able to love you if you do this”. Asshole.

It was lovely when you pointed out your girlfriend is a size 6 gymnast, clearly trying to make me feel low about my size 12-14 curves.

But not to worry your now happy little downright messed-up mind, I really don’t care about what you think anymore. I’m happy as I am, no thanks to you and the years of degrading.

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

I haven’t let you cross my mind for a long time, purely because my life is truly wonderful without you in it and I’m grateful you’re now somebody else’s burden. But when I found out that (thanks to your cringe-worthy facebook anniversary post) you found that love of yours exactly one week after ending our 6-year long relationship, I got a little bit enraged. The lies you told to me, the outrage you faked when people were ‘spreading rumours’ two weeks after us parting ways (your facebook post is proof that it only took you a week) is what I’m angry about. The lack of respect you must have had for me is despicable.

I pity you.

You’re not going to get very far in life, and that must suck for you. I’m sorry about that.

And we both know all the truth I could tell.

It’s true; there’s so many secrets that could accidentally come tumbling out during one of my breakdowns and days of self-loathing. So many things that I’m sure you wouldn’t want people to know. But it’s okay, I’ve only told the people who matter. Yet you wonder why so many of my close friends and family now despise you…hmm.

I struggle so often with self-confidence and loving myself for who I am. You made me this way, so thanks for that.

However,

I’ve found a strength I’ve never known. 

I’m so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I now know what real friendships are, what living life actually feels like, and what an actual relationship feels like.

I remember on that day, you said to me “Maybe in 10 years time we’ll get back together, just like your mum and dad did, and I’ll want to be with you again”. How dare you. How dare you compare our toxic relationship to my wonderful parents. As if I would ever want anything to do with you ever again. You’re so up your own arse you can probably find that strap-on I bought for you (yes I said it, don’t care).

I almost want to apologise to Sam on your behalf for making me believe that every time he tells me he loves me that he’s cheated on me (yes, going on Tinder behind my back does count as cheating. Why did I ever forgive you for that?! Oh yeah, you were so good at manipulating me), that every time he buys me something he wants something, every time he compliments me he just wants to feel like a ‘good boyfriend’. Sam, I love you so much, the sincere love you have shown me for the past half a year has genuinely opened my eyes to real partnerships and I thank you for that. You’re a star, my lil nugget.

This is not a post made because I’m upset, angry or jealous (though I know that’s what you’ll label it, you self-entitled prick). I’m writing this because no amount of counselling or anti-depressants can remove the lasting damage of what you did to me for all of those years. I find it so hard to express my feelings about my mental health issues, but at the end of the day, it all comes back around to you.

So while you’re living your life and going on your little holidays (where was mine in those 6 years then? I think I deserve some compensation) with that nice girl who will one day suffer the same ways I did, I wish you well. You read that right, I do wish you well. But just remember, you can’t escape your demons, and you know the truth as well as I do.

I’ll just say this is I wish you farewell. 

 

Now for a little happy thank you to the people who actually matter!

Pure people.

And Sam, thank you for showing me real love.

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Don’t let the bastards get you down, don’t let the assholes wear you out

Don’t let them win. People can be dickheads, that’s life.

I’ve pretty much come to terms with that now, and I’m fine with it. I’m teaching myself the valuable lesson of not giving too many fucks, and although it can be SO hard to do so, I think I’m getting somewhere.

Life’s too short to give your time and attention to people who honestly don’t matter.

People won’t understand your brain, your mental health, or sometimes just you. And that’s okay, they don’t need to understand.

 

This was just a short gin inspired post because I haven’t posted in a while.

Worries (Or As I Call It – List Of Shitty Shitness)

Worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry…

Do you ever feel yourself repeating this word in your head like a constant merry-go-round of stress and anxiety? I know I do.

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Quite often,  we don’t even have anything to worry about. But when we do, it’s like “aah, well my life’s going to shit anyway, may as well add to the list of shitty shitness”.

Here is an example of the current list of shitty shitness in my life:

  • My beloved ’00 plate Nissan Micra struggles to start for random reasons (often due to the cold and rain), which is not often, but happens enough for my brain to be like “aaaahh what am I going to do if I need to get to work and it won’t start?! What about when I’m living far from Uni and need to get to lectures/placement?! Should I buy a new car?! What if that car has more problems than this one?! I don’t have any money to fix that car! I don’t have any money to get another car!! Aaahh!”
    Now, these are all very justified worries, given I don’t have a lot of money. But, there are always ways around these things. I just tend to get wound up over nothing.
  • For example, another worry is that nobody actually likes me. This is completely ridiculous, as I have lots of friends and family who love me dearly. But this is a constant worry that plagues me every single day. When I was attending CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) sessions, this was something I brought up a lot. I found it incredibly useful to write about this worry in my thoughts journal; describing the situation, thought, how it made me feel then justifying the thought. Doing this made me realise how irrational this worry was and made me feel a lot calmer.
  • I worry constantly that my mental health is going to deteriorate so much that I’m going to struggle later in life; what about if I ever become a Mum? I’m worried that my anxiety is going to hold me back or affect my children. My own Mum has agoraphobia and anxiety, and I’m from a family where mental illness is pretty rife. I’m pretty sure my Mum’s problems haven’t affected me – it’s just the way my mind’s built; to worry.

So basically, I worry about every little thing, whether it’s something justifiable to worry about or not (annoyingly).

I’m trying to learn not to worry about things, but I’ve always been a ‘worrier’ as my Dad says. When I was little, my dad sat me down and spoke to me about worries. I’d say “I have a worry” and he’d describe a worry as

a fist balled up inside your chest, and when the worry’s gone it’s like the fist has un-balled itself.

My Dad’s a worrier too you see.

 

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I’m going to try and stop worrying so much, it’s no fun and zaps the joy out of each day. Stupid poorly brain of mine.

 

Bye huns x

I Saw Sparks

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That guy Sam.

So, the wonderful human that I am smushing my face into above is my amazing boyfriend Sam. He has, very rapidly, become one of the most important people in my life and I respect, love and admire him so much for everything he does.

Sam puts up with my anxiety, every day, without complaint. I’ve never experienced this before in a boyfriend, so sometime’s I don’t know how to react when he’s understanding and empathetic when my brain’s being dumb. I just hope he know’s I’m so so grateful!

I met Sam on the dating app Bumble back in October. We had our first date on November 1st, and were an official couple by November 10th 2018. The last 2-and-a-bit months have been just wonderful and really, it feels like years already!

Sam encourages me to leave my comfort zone.

I mean yeah, he understands when I feel overwhelmed and just need to wallow, but he also knows when to pull me back into reality and he nails it every time. For example, we have started going on bikerides in our free time (mainly for fitness) but this really helps my anxiety. He just knows. When I had a slight wobble in a supermarket a couple of weeks ago about what ‘healthy’ meal to cook (my anxiety was totally overwhelming that day; my mind was screaming “you’re fat and worthless” and I just wanted to eat a pizza lol). But Sam came up with different ideas and supported me to find the ingredients I needed to make a nutritious healthy meal.

Honestly, this guy tho.

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He is just the best, really.

Anybody who knows me knows that since my big break-up last year, I have been very sceptical about love. I still am, in a way, but there is a glimmer of hope that is Sam. He has shown me love, understanding and respect I had never known I was capable of getting.

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With my family on a walk

I love you Samkins, thank you for everything you do for me, I’m sorry for being a pain in the ass and I can’t thank you enough for putting up with me, you’re a saint.

Anyway, enough mush, back to cool stuff init.

 

Bye huns x

Something New

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And, breathe.

This is something I say to myself almost every minute of every day. However when your mind is swimming with anxious thoughts, it can be incredibly hard to take a moment to breathe. In my psychotherapy and counselling training, we begin each session with a breathing exercise. I love doing this as a group because it brings us all ‘into the room’ and gets our minds focused and ready for the day. However, I struggle to practice these exercises myself. As soon as I start to rest my mind and find a ‘headspace’, I then begin to think about every other little thing that may or may not be going on in my life. When you have anxiety, it can be almost impossible to escape your own mind. One thing I’m trying to work on at the moment is focusing on breathing, so I’ll let you know how this goes.

Remedies.

Another new thing I’ve recently started looking into is natural remedies to ease the horrid feelings that arise from anxiety. I’ve begun listening to podcasts on Spotify about challenging anxiety as I go to sleep, and I have to say these help a lot!
Anyway – on many of these podcasts by Anxiety Slayer, they mention experimenting with natural flower essence used for different emotions and feelings/problems and issues. To do this you simply add one or two drops to your water (or any drink – within reason). This really intrigued me, so today I treated myself to a trip to Holland & Barratt, where I selected 3 bottles of different flower essence by Bach. On the podcast I listened to last night, they spoke about using elm essence when feeling overwhelmed. So I purchased one elm essence, one willow essence and one red chestnut essence.

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Elm

On the Bach website they say elm essence helps with feeling overwhelmed by responsibility. I really feel that I need support with this as lately I can only describe my feelings as ‘overwhelmed’. I’m not even sure what I’m overwhelmed by – ever! But I’m really excited to try this remedy.

Willow

I was reluctant to buy this essence as I’m petty and the name makes me cringe lol. However, this is part of my overwhelming ability to overthink and take everything too seriously, so I decided to battle this and buy the damn essence anyway. When I read that this essence helps with self-pity and resentment, I was like “YAAAAS that’s me bitch”.  I am constantly in a state of self-loathing and I resent myself. This suuuuucks cus I’m actually pretty awesome. So I’m buzzing to try this remedy!

Red Chestnut

This is described by Bach as a flower remedy to help with over-concern for the welfare of loved ones. I do tend to do this quite a lot; however I worry more about how my actions, thoughts and behaviours might affect those around me. Red chestnut is also just another helpful essence for general anxiety, so I’m keen to try it out!

 

At the moment, I’m really new to natural remedies, so I’m going to do as much research as I can, and I will probably end up buying ever single flower essence that Bach sells! Sorry bank account. 

Life’s great guys, remember that.

 

Bye huns x

It’s Been A While

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Guess who’s back, back again…

So it’s been almost 3 months since I’ve posted on this blog. *insert shrugging emoji*
Life’s been busy! I’ve completed my first semester at University (with a 1st in my latest essay, yay me!) and that has been super stressful but also totally amazing.

The reason why I’ve been so useless at writing is because, well, my mind hasn’t been in ‘that’ space recently. Anxiety seems to have taken over my life lately; over the past few months I have been incredibly happy with my life, yet somehow the anxiety just takes hold and it’s something I can’t shift. It’s odd that I haven’t felt like writing, as writing out my thoughts really tends to help!

As stated above, I am a hot mess. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing! At least I’m interesting, in a way.

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As I said before, life is pretty amazing right now. I met the most wonderful guy back in October, and he has shown me my life is meaningful and worthwhile and I adore that boy (but more on him another time). However, at the moment, life is hard.

I feel overwhelmed by everything; thoughts, feelings, situations etc. Even though I’m sailing through life, it isn’t all plain sailing (see what I did there – I’m a comedic genius). However, 2019 is going to be my year. 

I’m going to smash it.

Watch this space!

Bye huns x

Stigmas Suck – Life as a depressed Support Worker

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So here’s the basic facts; I’m a Support Worker for adults with learning disabilities and mental illnesses. This is my job, yet I am constantly fighting the stigma that in order to support these individuals, my own mental health must be stable. And I say fuck that.

Now don’t get me wrong, I adore my job. It’s incredibly rewarding to enhance the lives of those who truly need support. However, when your own mental health is dwindling, it’s a struggle to be strong for others when you see no point in going on.

This all sounds very dramatic – my mental health is currently stable and I’m feeling wonderful. However, obviously I still get low days. These days are the most difficult.

Breaking the Stigma

If there’s one thing that I want to achieve from the degree I’m pursuing, it’s that I want to break that stigma that people supporting those with mental illness, can’t have a mental illness themselves.
This is not true in the slightest; my mental health does not at all affect my ability to work and my job performance. In fact, I find my mood picks up immensely when I’m at work.

It’s like I put on this mask that says “I am Katy the Support Worker, and I am strong”. I imagine myself with this mask on, and it truly helps.

Yes, I am on the same medication that my clients take. Yes, I have had the same treatment that my clients have had. And yes, I completely empathise when these same clients just want to hide away from the world, lie in bed all day and wallow in their anxiety and depression. I feel it too.

A low day

I really do struggle some days. I don’t get out of bed, I let the anxiety take over and I don’t wash, get dressed or eat.
These days can happen for EVERYONE.

Let’s break the stigma.

 

Bye huns x