Kesha – Praying
I do hope you’re somewhere praying, and I do hope your soul is changing.
I very much doubt you’ll find your peace. You’ll forever have to live with the memories of what you did to me, yet you won’t acknowledge how it’s affected me even to this day.
I am proud of who I am. Sam has made that happen (plus some self-love and realisation). I can now see that I’m not worthless because of my size, my looks, my depression, my ‘vanilla sex drive’ as you so often wrongly put it (just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean you need to literally force your ‘partner’ to take part in it, or emotionally blackmail them into doing it), “Maybe I’ll be able to love you if you do this”. Asshole.
It was lovely when you pointed out your girlfriend is a size 6 gymnast, clearly trying to make me feel low about my size 12-14 curves.
But not to worry your now happy little downright messed-up mind, I really don’t care about what you think anymore. I’m happy as I am, no thanks to you and the years of degrading.
Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become
I haven’t let you cross my mind for a long time, purely because my life is truly wonderful without you in it and I’m grateful you’re now somebody else’s burden. But when I found out that (thanks to your cringe-worthy facebook anniversary post) you found that love of yours exactly one week after ending our 6-year long relationship, I got a little bit enraged. The lies you told to me, the outrage you faked when people were ‘spreading rumours’ two weeks after us parting ways (your facebook post is proof that it only took you a week) is what I’m angry about. The lack of respect you must have had for me is despicable.
I pity you.
You’re not going to get very far in life, and that must suck for you. I’m sorry about that.
And we both know all the truth I could tell.
It’s true; there’s so many secrets that could accidentally come tumbling out during one of my breakdowns and days of self-loathing. So many things that I’m sure you wouldn’t want people to know. But it’s okay, I’ve only told the people who matter. Yet you wonder why so many of my close friends and family now despise you…hmm.
I struggle so often with self-confidence and loving myself for who I am. You made me this way, so thanks for that.
I’ve found a strength I’ve never known.
I’m so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I now know what real friendships are, what living life actually feels like, and what an actual relationship feels like.
I remember on that day, you said to me “Maybe in 10 years time we’ll get back together, just like your mum and dad did, and I’ll want to be with you again”. How dare you. How dare you compare our toxic relationship to my wonderful parents. As if I would ever want anything to do with you ever again. You’re so up your own arse you can probably find that strap-on I bought for you (yes I said it, don’t care).
I almost want to apologise to Sam on your behalf for making me believe that every time he tells me he loves me that he’s cheated on me (yes, going on Tinder behind my back does count as cheating. Why did I ever forgive you for that?! Oh yeah, you were so good at manipulating me), that every time he buys me something he wants something, every time he compliments me he just wants to feel like a ‘good boyfriend’. Sam, I love you so much, the sincere love you have shown me for the past half a year has genuinely opened my eyes to real partnerships and I thank you for that. You’re a star, my lil nugget.
This is not a post made because I’m upset, angry or jealous (though I know that’s what you’ll label it, you self-entitled prick). I’m writing this because no amount of counselling or anti-depressants can remove the lasting damage of what you did to me for all of those years. I find it so hard to express my feelings about my mental health issues, but at the end of the day, it all comes back around to you.
So while you’re living your life and going on your little holidays (where was mine in those 6 years then? I think I deserve some compensation) with that nice girl who will one day suffer the same ways I did, I wish you well. You read that right, I do wish you well. But just remember, you can’t escape your demons, and you know the truth as well as I do.
I’ll just say this is I wish you farewell.
Now for a little happy thank you to the people who actually matter!
And Sam, thank you for showing me real love.